You Didn't Say Yes AND THEN It Happened Anyway

There you were. Going about your normal everyday life. Sure it was boring, amazing, or terrible sometimes, but it was yours. AND THEN.

And then everything changed without your permission. Your loved one was diagnosed with cancer. Your best friend took his own life. The love of your life shattered your trust.

On the other side of “AND THEN” nothing seems the same. There was a you before and a you after. They couldn’t seem more different.

You were happy before. You were whole before. You were loving, kind, hard working, engaged, dedicated, and faithful. AND THEN.

AND THEN can be a hard place to live.

I’ve had a few AND THEN’s. I’m sure you have too. We are all experiencing a monumental world-changing AND THEN, right now.

In five, ten, twenty, or even fifty years from now you will talk about 2020 and say things like, “I was working hard on this,” “my son was getting ready to graduate high school,” “we were getting ready for our wedding,” AND THEN.

AND THEN COVID19 swept across the world like a bad dream. AND THEN thousands of people died. AND THEN my business foundered. AND THEN I was trapped in my house with all of my painful memories. AND THEN hope seemed to flicker the world over.

AND THEN can be a hard place to live.

You didn’t give it permission to happen. AND THEN it happened anyways. What now? What happens next shapes everything.

Yes, you experienced irrevocable change. It happened on a scale terrible and exhausting. The fallout from your catastrophe can’t be overstated or overlooked. It shaped your everyday circumstances. Your job changed. Your marriage changed. Your bank account faltered.

AND THEN makes us struggle not only with what’s going on around us, but also what’s inside. We ask big questions and the weight of their missing answers feels too big for us. It’s terrible. It’s unfair. How can this be the way the world is supposed to work? How?

What did your life look like after your AND THEN? The most tragic thing is what would happen if we decided to let life after AND THEN remain the same. Think about it.

Right now I’m trying to help people navigate their AND THEN while wading through my own. One friend was supposed to get married two days ago. She didn’t decide her love stopped after AND THEN. Did she put on her pretty dress and walk down to meet her man in front of dozens of her family and friends? No. Will she. You bet. Her love didn’t die with AND THEN.

So, yeah—your life changed big time. You never told it that was alright with you. But it was never going to be alright with you.

As a man of faith I don’t believe for a moment God wished any of us to experience the kind of wreck AND THEN often makes of our lives. He didn’t orchestrate your bankruptcy, illness, unfaithfulness, or even death on a global scale. He loves you too much. He is too good. Also, he is too able to bring a better AND THEN than the one you’re living through right now. What if you let him?

You didn’t’ say “Yes” to the big thing that changed everything, but what if you said “Yes” to the BIGGER God who also wanted the best for you? Do know what would happen? AND THEN God.

You were bankrupt AND THEN God opened a door for a new opportunity. You were sick AND THEN God helped you find the right doctor. You were sad AND THEN God sent a friend. You were without hope AND. THEN. GOD.

Life is more or less a constant series of changes. Big and small, hard and easy, long and short. We look back and see the old through a lens of the new.

When you give grace a shot at your right now AND THEN is just a turning point. So give the best love in the universe a crack at it.

The old things will still be there. Don’t despair. But you won’t have to wake up and shake hands with them anymore. They won’t follow you around through the house like some nasty stray you never invited in. In fact, you’ll only catch glimpses of them from time to time. They’ll try to sneak back in. But they only get to change it all once without your permission. AND THEN is a one time thing. That’s why it’s such a hard place to live. You were never meant to live there.

Let God give you the better part of life. The one that turns the page on your bad AND THEN and shows you joy, peace, and love on the other side. That’s a great place to live. I’m so glad it found me.

When the World Stops Ending

Where is your favorite place? Today I am practicing the pause in my favorite office. My kids are playing. It’s raining ever so slightly, but we don’t care. 

The journey of the last several weeks has been both weird and wonderful. It’s glorious and good. But it’s also been a little overwhelming at times.

Just like a lot of people, I thought I had it all figured out. But what’s left of all the spinning plates when the rug gets jerked out from under you?

I know you know what it feels like. I know you understand the moments of confusion. Even though none of us truly understand it. We’re each working it out in our own way. 

Here’s what I have learned: this new normal is way better. That’s right. This slow life away from the crazy and the crowds and the twin Masters Efficiency and Expectation is superior in every way that actually matters. Not because there aren’t terrible things happening. Not because there aren’t some real consequences or pain. We aren’t immune or callous to any of that. But this slower life, I’m convinced, is a better life.

If we’re not careful we’ll see the old normal through rose colored glasses. We’ll convince ourselves it was better and rush back to it.

We can’t afford to. Even if right now it might feel like we literally can’t afford not to. What’s at stake is bigger than your bank statement. It’s your soul. 

So as talk of life “getting back to normal” dominates the conversation you need to ask yourself if that’s really what you want. Because you get to vote for the life you want.

I don’t think I have it all figured out. I’ve spent so much time over the last six weeks REALLY being honest about where I’m lacking. I’ve also spent more time with my favorite stories lately than ever before in my life. What made them great? What can I learn? I’ve certainly come to agree with Jim Mattis. “There are a lot of old solutions to new problems.” 

Here’s what I’ve been reminded of that I didn’t do enough six weeks ago: STOP. OBSERVE. CELEBRATE. Stop and just pause. Observe what’s good in your life. Celebrate it like it will be gone tomorrow. It might.

How can we afford not to do this? We can’t. Especially when Efficiency and Expectation are readying to rear their ugly heads again.

If we don’t stop, observe, and celebrate what we’ve learned we will lose it all. Or we will realize what we had way too late. I think that would be the biggest tragedy of all.

So what are you going to do? Rush back to your Masters? Efficiency and Expectation will be waiting. Even now they are getting ready to strike.

See this crazy moment in history for its potential, not just its harm. An act of fate itself bent on saving you from what you don’t really want to go back to anyways. Do you feel the tension inside when you compare the two? 

Efficiency and Expectation can rule you at the speed of life until it all slips by. Or the pace can change. For the better. Forever. Let your life change. Let it slow down. Forever.

Stop. Observe. Celebrate. Practice the pause.

What Are You Known For?

I’ve had a big question on my mind this week thanks to Jeff Henderson’s excellent book “For”. What do I want to be known for?

My answer to this question has changed so many times. As a I teenager I wanted to be known as a great basketball player. Too bad I was always a little too slow, a lot too skinny, and the youngest guy on the team. In college I wanted to be known as a great musician, and to an extent I was. For most of my life these three words describe what I’ve been known for, “the smart guy”.

None of those describe what I want to be known for. I don’t want to be known for basketball, or music, my intellect, or my writing. And, even though at momentary intervals I may have looked for validation from others in these things, I don’t anymore. Those days are all long behind me.

But what am I known for? I can’t answer that. Mostly because I don’t possess Professor X level telepathic mind reading powers. Wouldn’t that be cool? I wouldn’t mind being known for that, but I digress. I don’t know what I’m known for.

I only know what I would like to be known for. It’s not my intellect, my musicianship, or my step-back-three. I want to be known for the way I love. That’s it. That’s all.

I want to love my family exceptionally well. I want to love my friends, our church, my neighbors, and my students—I want to be known for the way I love. But loving those people should be pretty easy. What kind of person doesn’t love their friends and family?

I want to be known for loving others. It’s that simple. It’s that hard. Have you met some of you? Some of you are hard to love. Some of you don’t make it easy. But I don’t want to be known for doing what’s easy. 

It’s so easy to love people who are educated middle class conservative evangelicals—most of the time. Those are all things that describe me. It’s easy to love people who share common interests. You like Captain America? Me too. We can be pals. But what about everyone else. I better be known for loving the easy ones. But I hope I’m known for loving the “everyone else’s” too.

What do you want to be known for? What are you known for? Is there a discrepancy?

Here’s my challenge to you. Ask someone around you to tell you what you are known for. 

Kill the Bear

Our youngest son Matthew goes to gymnastics once a week. This isn’t the polished practiced routine of an elite gymnast among his peers. This is more like the guided explosion of toddler mayhem at a trampoline park. So last night my wife found herself once again at gymnastics with Matty and his classmates as they bumbled, tumbled, and toddled across exercise mats and through various games.

At one point during the short session the teacher lead them through a game. The kids were supposed to hide somewhere in a small area set up with a variety of obstacles. I imagine coordinating a random assortment of hyper toddlers is a bit like trying to catch a bucket of bouncing balls as they tumble down some stairs. The teacher needed to add some playful motivation. So she yelled, “Hide! There’s a scary animal coming!” Matty was still unmoved. “Quick, Matty, hide!” He resolved to stay put. 

The teacher made one final effort to jolt him into action. “Matty, what would you do if a scary bear was chasing you!”

“Kill it!” He exclaimed with all his two year old gumption. To which the rest of the parents in the class erupted in laughter.

I love this story. Of course I am biased beyond measure. But this story exemplifies the warrior heart of my little Matty. Kill the scary bear. I won’t be chased into hiding. It’s more fun to stand and face the fear than cower in the shadows.

Now, Matty doesn’t get any of that. Not in the way you and I do. And that’s entirely the point. Many people overcomplicate emotion, reaction, and expectation to the point of ridiculousness. My two year old simply responded out of his nature.

I think this speaks a deep truth to a potent thing many lose along the way. Fear isn’t the boss. Matty didn’t demonstrate courage where the hypothetical bear is concerned. He didn’t stand resolute in the face of terrible adversity. He simply remained unmoved by fear. Kill the bear.

What’s your bear? What is chasing you into hiding? Is it an unresolved issue with a friend? Maybe your untapped potential or once lofted dream is there dancing over your shoulder reminding you what life you could have lived if you had not been afraid. It could be the big deal you’re too intimidated to land. The relationship you won’t initiate. The call you can’t bring yourself to make. Or the simple question you refuse to ask of yourself. 

It’s your bear. It’s chased you into hiding. The life you have is not the one you were meant to have. Had you only killed the bear. Guess what? It’s never too late to kill the bear.

Turn. Stand. Don’t run. Don’t be intimidated. Just try. Do what you were born to do. Be your bold and most boisterous you. No one else can. Kill your bear. Chase fear out of the hemisphere of your dreams. Live your best life. Kill the bear. You can do it.

Be Help

When my phone rang a few hours ago I was in the middle of making dinner for my family. It’s Friday—steak night—and the cast iron skillet was warming up. But then Amy was on the other end of the line and she was stuck with her four daughters on the side of the interstate. She needed help. I turned off the stove. Put my boots back on. And got in my car to go help. It’s what friends do.

We’ll all been on the receiving end of help. Also, we have each needed help when there was none to be had—and had the sundering effect of its lack come crashing down around us. Because help is sometimes hard to find.

Maybe you’ve heard or even said, “good help is hard to find.” But it doesn’t have to be. Not wherever you are. You can be the good help someone needs.

How do you know who you are supposed to help? That’s easy. Who is asking? Who is within your reach? Can you get there?

Several years ago I heard this challenge and it has stuck with me. “Do for one what you wish you could do for many.” That’s a powerful affidavit when it comes to helping. You can’t help everyone, but maybe you can help the friend standing in front of you right now.

So welcome the interruption. Shelf your agenda. And get busy helping. The world will be a lot different—and you’ll help make sure it’s different everywhere you are.

The Kind of Music

Every day in my Dad’s art class I sat with a kid named Joe. Joe didn’t have a lot of friends. I tried to be kind to him when not a lot of others were.

We talked music a lot. He liked Korn and Marilyn Manson. I liked DC Talk and Tourniquet. We were very different Joe and I. But I was always kind to him when not many others were.

One day Joe surprised me with the most simple and cheap of gifts, a brand new plastic cassette (yes cassette) case. He had brought it to school to give to me to keep my guitar picks in.

For 22 years I’ve been opening the same old plastic pick case. It’s definitely not new anymore. It’s almost falling apart now.

I spent about 170 days sharing a table with Joe. Sharing kindness. Talking about music, art, video games, and God. Just kids being kids and trying to figure out who we were in the world.

Most of the people I’ve met are still trying to figure that one out. While so much has changed in my life across the decades I try to keep one thing the same—kindness.

I shared a table with a kid I had almost nothing in common with. I showed kindness. One day he returned that kindness. And for 22 years I’ve been opening this trophy of kindness to bring music into this world. I couldn’t even begin to count how many thousands of people have listened to me make music over the years. Music I made on a guitar pick I pulled out of old plastic case given to me by a kid who was grateful for kindness.

Be kind. You don’t know the difference you are making. Your kindness adds a bit of music to this world. What’s something incredible you’ve seen happen as a result of kindness?

What Has Love Done?

I like questions. I like the questions more than even the answers most of the time. Probably because the right question points us toward a posture of discovery. If we ask the right thing we are on our way to learning an important thing—and an important thing becomes an essential thing when acted upon in the right way. Which brings us to the right question I tackled recently: What Has Love Done?

I spoke on this idea to a great group of kids yesterday. The idea has stuck with me now for hours. What has love done?

Some of the answers are so easy. I look at  the many pictures decorating the walls of my home like a memorial of love. The couch I sit on as I write this was given to our family by friends who love us. My careers, my family, all of what I have to speak of that’s worth speaking of at all is a result of what love has done in my life.

What has love done in your life? It could be that you don’t think you are loved at all. Nothing could be further from the truth, but I can understand how it might sometimes seem that way. You are loved. You are worth the love of someone who targets you with their affection. Love engaged is a life changed. 

What has love done? It’s such a great question.

What’s Your Taco?

For years I thought, I’m just a hillbilly from the Arkansas River Valley—what in the world can I do? So I earned a couple of college degrees; and guess what? The thinking didn’t really change. It just became: I’m just an educated hillbilly from the Arkansas River Valley—what in the world can I do? I had a limiting belief.

You will only go as fast as you think you can. You will only win as often as you dare to play. You will only close the deal you try to land. What is limiting you?

Someone, somewhere, within the hallowed halls of corporate Burger King decided tacos should be on the menu. Tacos. At Burger King. I guess that’s what we get when you take “Have it your way” to it’s natural conclusion. The Burger King taco, for good or bad, is proof of what’s possible when you buck a limiting belief.

Everyone has a limiting belief. Things we believe about ourself or our situation that limit us. They keep us from being or doing all that we can. They limit us in several ways.

Limiting beliefs shape your effort. You won’t try something you already think you will fail at. You won’t sign up for the race. You won’t take the class. You won’t pitch the new idea to your boss. So drop the limiting belief that impacts your effort and begin to see what you’re actually capable of.

Limiting beliefs shape your opportunities. You hold back based on what you believe about yourself and people of influence in your everyday world notice it. Except, they may not realize you are holding back. They may think what’s on offer is the full potential you have at your disposal. Will they bring you a new opportunity? Probably not. Your limiting belief shapes your opportunities. 

Limiting beliefs shape your relationships. Your lack of belief in yourself is noticeable. There may be some really good people in your world that will love and support you in spite of this. Outside of that protected relational sphere, where the social construct of society and the reality of human interaction happen, things will be different. Confidence begats confidence. You can take it too far. Research has found that most people don’t want to follow someone who thinks they are invincible either. But it’s terribly hard to create a healthy nurturing relationship with someone that carries around a noticeable limiting belief.

When you drop the limiting belief the shape of your effort, opportunities, and relationships will change. They will be much more healthy.  You will change. What is your limiting belief? What will you do to leave it behind? What’s your taco? What’s stopping you?

Quitting These 4 Things Will Change Your Life

“Winners never quit and quitters never win.” You’ve heard that. I’ve heard that. You’ve said that. I’ve said that. It’s just not true. Sometimes the only way to win is to quit. Quit something with gusto. Quit on purpose. Quit a thing that needs quitting and quit it right now. Here’s a few ideas to get you started.

1. Pessimism: The reality you expect is the one you will lean into. So stop expecting everything to suck.

2. Eating out: Make a meal. Gather around your own table. Shop for groceries. Plan and do it. You are spending an insane amount of money on restaurants right now. You’ll save hundreds of dollars a month. 

3. Whining: No one likes a whiner—not to be confused for someone who has actually had something terrible happen. Stop whining. Work harder. Stop being passive aggressive. Just be aggressive in your desire to make life better wherever you are. You’ll win your life.

4. Flying solo: Flying an airplane only works because of the unique way air pressure, friction, and gravity come together to make it all happen. Life is a lot like that. Sure you can breathe, eat, work, and spend money alone, but that’s not really living. That, my friend, is existing. Invite some people into your life, get the right people, and it will be better than you can even begin to imagine.

Why I Bought 15 of the Same T-Shirt

Every morning I wake up, go through my preflight checklist for the day’s adventure, and walk to my closet. Waiting inside just left of the center divider are my fifteen nearly identical T-shirts. The only thing that differs are the five different colors and whether they are a v-neck or standard cut shirt. Why in the world would I do this? What compelled me to empty my closet in order to donate five thirty gallon trash bags full of clothes? I did it to simplify.

There’s been a lot of talk lately about minimalism. I’ve not ventured into much of that. I don’t want to be a minimalist in the way I mostly understand them. I merely want to simplify my life. I’ve spent the better part of two years now simplifying everything. It was bound to reach my closet. I simplified the way I work. I simplified the way I communicate. I even simplified my faith—which seems like a no brainer. But why my closet? Well, not to be coy, but it’s a simple answer. In order to eliminate decisions.

I want to make less decisions. I’ve reached a stage in life when my responsibilities have never been larger. I’ve never been “needed” by so many people before. People depend on me to make good decisions. So in order to make great decisions I’ve made a few changes. One of those changes has been to eliminate unnecessary decisions.

I have fifteen of the same T-shirt because what T-shirt I’m going to wear in the morning is an unnecessary decision. Sometimes I am heading to an event or occasion that calls for attire a bit more demanding than a T-shirt. But not often. If I do I’m ready for that and it’s an important enough event for me to invest the time it takes to make a decision. If not, then it is T-shirt time.

Research has demonstrated that we are really only capable of making so many sound decisions in a given day. So I cut out the ones that don’t really matter. This is also why I eat two hard-boiled eggs for breakfast daily with two cups of black coffee. I just eliminated another decision. 

I’m not obsessive compulsive. I don’t freak out if I don’t have my eggs or need to put on a dress shirt. I frequently decide to do something different, but I don’t have to. That’s why I bought fifteen of the same T-shirt. I sat a decision free. That’s one more decision I can make every day concerning something far more important than what’s hiding my belly button from the world.

How can you rescue a decision in your everyday world? What extra thing might you do, think, or attempt if your mind wasn’t preoccupied with some unnecessary decision? Simplify your own path to opportunity and see where it takes you. 

You Stink At Multitasking: Try This Instead

I am crazy. I work two rewarding but difficult jobs. I have four kids, an amazing wife, and a lot of people who are constantly needing my attention. I love this life of mine. But I often felt like the old variety show act where the guy or gal is constantly spinning a bunch of plates on top of sticks. You can only keep that going for so long before they crash. So I decided to stop spinning the plates. Nothing about the level of my responsibility or the amount of work I have to accomplish changed. If anything I do more work now. Here’s how I get more done without crashing. I stopped multitasking, because I’m not good at it.

You are not good at multitasking. You might think you are. I know some of you think are. But research has actually demonstrated that the better you think are at it—the worse you really are. Let’s do a simple exercise to demonstrate this. 

Exercise One: write three columns similar to the ones below using Arabic and Roman numerals and the first ten letters of the alphabet. For this first step write them in rows going across from left to right alternating the categories as you see in the example. So you’ll write 1, I, A, 2, II, B, and so forth until you finish with 10, X, J in the final row at the bottom. Time the process with the stopwatch on your phone and write down the results at the top of your grid.

1      I     A

2     II     B

3     III    C

4     IV   D

Exercise Two: write the three columns again. This time do it from top to bottom. In other words, don’t switch to the Roman numerals until you’ve finished the first column of 1-10 and don’t switch to the alphabet until you’ve completed column two. Time yourself again. Write the results at the top of the second grid of characters.

Your second number was faster. Probably by quite a bit, and it always will be. No matter how many times you repeat this exercise the second number will always be faster. Sure, you can rig the results and your first number will definitely improve the more you do it, but getting better isn’t the point.

The point is that this is an exercise in what is called context switching. Context switching is what you are doing every time you shift gears to think about something different. So when you’re on the couch folding laundry, watching Stranger Things, answering texts, and checking in on your work email amidst the cries of needy kids—you feel REALLY busy—and you are, but it’s literally taking two, three, or even four times longer to get it all done.

There is a cost to context switching. A real measurable mental cost. You just proved it to yourself with the above exercise. First of all it costs you time. It not only costs you time, but it also costs you energy. It takes mental energy to suddenly shift gears. So when you live in the above chaos I described, juggling seventeen things at once, you feel exhausted at the end of the day for a reason. Mentally, you’re spent. And then it costs you even more time because of the mistakes you have to correct along the way.

Some of you do this so habitually that your own brain has tricked you into thinking that you are both great at multitasking, and that you are accomplishing more by doing it. Not true. What’s happened is that you’re mind has actually rewired your neural pathways—the structure your brain uses to send and receive information. 

Guess what? It’s pretty hard to reroute those things. Your brain doesn’t like that. It also likes the path of least resistance. That’s why you can’t just watch a show with your significant other anymore without checking your phone every 90 seconds. It’s why you can’t walk from from your car to your office without headphones in or checking your phone again, or both. You have wired your brain to attempt to do many things at once and you’re not doing any of them as well as you could if you chose only one of them to do.

Maybe you think you don’t have a choice. And some of it could be outside of your immediate control. I get that. But try this. It’s a technique sometimes called batching or blocking. I’ll explain it to you using how I handle email.

I’m a pastor and an adjunct professor so email is an ever present reality. But I don’t like it. I think it’s second rate communication at best, but it’s what we have so we roll with it. Dozens and dozens of emails pour in every day. So a long time ago I gave myself permission to stink at email—and somehow I got a lot better at it. This is what I do. I spend about five minutes at a time roughly three times during my work day looking at email. That’s it. I block off a chunk of time and I only do email then. I don’t even open the app on my phone unless I’m traveling or think of an immediate reason to send a message that can’t wait. I also never open an email I don’t intend to respond to immediately. Because then I have to tackle the same email twice. More wasted time.

Email is only one thing. There are many things that can be done in blocks or batches. Probably almost anything repetitive and systematic about your life or work can be done this way. 

How can you get creative about eliminating context switching in your daily routines? How can you eliminate the feeling of busyness and replace it with actual worthwhile accomplishment? One of the ways you can do that is by seeing multitasking for what it is—the place productivity goes to die.

Try it. I promise it will not be easy. But I also promise that as you figure it out and things change for you, it will definitely be worth it.

How To Break Up With Your Phone

How often does your phone buzz in a day? Do the red glaring notifications suck you into a 45 minute jaunt down the rabbit hole of digital distraction? Does it interrupt family meals, quiet moments with your spouse, or the sacred spaces of solitude and concentration we all need? Probably. Mine did. If I allowed it to it would just keep doing it, but I stopped. Five months ago I broke up with my phone. You can too. Here’s how:

1. Know why you want to break up with your phone.

Maybe you want to reclaim your evenings or precious family time. Perhaps you just can’t seem to get anything done. If you spend a lot of time looking at your phone you may even feel anxious at the end of the day. You didn’t accomplish as much as you wanted to, but you were “busy” so you don’t understand why. This is the physiological and psychological result of staring at your tiny glowing screen instead of engaging with what is happening in the room around you. 

You need to know why you want to ditch that fancy phone you paid so much money for. If just the thought of that makes you nervous research suggests you’re a prime candidate for anxiety and stress related illnesses resulting from too much time with your device. Resolve to know why. I suggest writing it down on a sticky note and sticking it somewhere you’ll see every morning. The more addicted to a device you are the more reminders you need to write yourself. You’ll never break the habit until your motivation to do so is as big as the pull to stare at the screen in the first place.

2. Turn off all nonessential notifications.

Notifications are designed to get your attention. But your attention is the most important mental resource you have. Your attention is how you mentally spend the one thing you can never get back, your time. So get rid of anything that notifies you of something not critical to your success. I only leave notifications on for calls and texts, but even with texts I turn off the sound and vibrating alert for all group discussions.

3. Delete your favorite apps.

This is where it gets real. Those apps you can’t live without are the ones that suck you in. But your mental real estate is too precious to sell it cheap to Instagram, Reddit, the Bleacher Report or whatever other flavor of distraction takes your fancy. Everything goes that’s not absolutely essential. Find creative solutions that allow you to maintain your interests and responsibilities without sacrificing your days on the altar of distraction. I suggest intentionally scheduling moments with those things in small chunks once or twice a week. 

4. Don’t carry it around.

Stuck in the grocery line. Phone. Waiting for your meal. Phone. A pause in the conversation with friends. Phone. Evict your device from those moments by not having it with you all the time. At first it feels like you’re walking around naked. But it’s only because we’ve trained our minds to wrap our attention in the paltry offerings of our favorite devices. Productivity will soar, relationships will deepen, and life will be sweeter when you’re not a slave to your smart phone.

5. Do something better.

When I began this journey in the thick of winter I was a mess. I was at home for three weeks with my wife and our newborn baby. I was going nuts. That’s to be expected. I was experiencing the psychological withdrawals. Our brains literally reroute mental pathways when are addicted to our devices. The more addicted we are, the more our brains reroute our thought processes. This leads to the inability to hold our attention on any one thing for long. Beat it by feeding your attention something of value instead. 

When I got serious about breaking up with my phone I started doing more of the things I enjoy. I like small carpentry so I made some pieces of furniture. I became more intentional about exercising. I spent more time with my kids. I engaged things in my life in ways that added value to my days rather than serving up my precious time to meaningless distraction. Do it. You have a long list of things you’ve always wanted to do and have been putting off for far too long.

6. Eliminate excuses.

Anything worth doing will be met with a host of reasons you think you can’t or shouldn’t. The key is you only think you can’t or shouldn’t. Shift your thinking. Know you can. Know you should. Take back control of your day-to-day activity and attention. Do it today. I promise you won’t regret it. Break up with your phone.

How Are You Doing?

​“How are you doing?”

“How’s it going?”

“How’s life?”

I don’t know how I’m doing. I should probably have a better answer for this because I feel like I get asked this question at least a dozen times a day.

The default answer is “good”, but am I? Like Gandalf in the Hobbit, there’s a bit of confusion for me about whether the intended query is speculating as to the nature of my health, my moral disposition, or something else entirely.

Recently one of my favorite speakers/authors defined this in a very illuminating way. How I am doing may best be defined by how those around me are doing? Want to find out how I’m really doing? Ask my wife. Ask my kids. Ask the team of people I lead in our church.

Maybe I’m getting it right. Maybe I’m acing it. Maybe not. I’ve learned who I need to ask—and I’ve tried to grow the habit of actually asking.

But here’s a picture of how good I hope I’m doing....

I want my life to be uplifting. I want to help everyone in the room get better by my having been there. I want to hold the collective gathering of those in connection to me to a higher regard and somehow help them stretch for a higher goal.

They may not make it. They may not even let go of the ball. But let us greatly enjoy the rise to the occasion and camaraderie built along the way. We aren’t just good with that. We are better for it.

The Boy On His Bike

Today I called an audible. For you nonfootball people (like me) that’s the moment when the quarterback makes a conscious decision to change the play just moments before its set to begin.

This morning I called the dad version of an audible—a dadible. It’s a technical term I promise. But you can’t look it up. You’ll just have to trust me. Also, you owe me $3 every time you use it.

My oldest son Ethan had been dreading an event at school all week. All week we had been trying to encourage him to embrace it and have fun. The event involves kids riding their bicycles at school. Something he hasn’t really worked on a lot. So he was nervous about it. And in his nervousness he wanted to avoid it.

I know you get that. We all sometimes long to avoid the things we dread. But we can’t. We can fight the internal dread. We can run from it. Or we can nod our head with honest recognition, offer to shake hands with it, and sit down to sort it out.

I’ve not always been the face-my-problems kind of guy. Mostly because I didn’t know how—and to a lesser extent I was intimidated by why. But God-willing my kids will be. And Ethan is the oldest so he gets to go first.

Step one: identify the source. I needed to figure out what was causing the problem. In Ethan’s case it was nervousness about his bike.

Step two: identify the catalyst. Source means starting point, but even a starting point has a cause. Ethan was nervous about his bike because of a lack of skill riding it. The catalyst was the size of the bike. It wasn’t too big. It was too small.

We got our son a junior style chainless learning bike two years ago. In growing boy time it might as well have been 6 years ago. He has grown like a weed since then! And his old bike is TINY. So he felt bad about it. He was intimidated by this tiny thing because it held him back.

We do that sometimes too don’t we? We let a tiny thing become a big thing on our way to doing a potentially cool thing. So instead we do nothing. Or we do something worse than nothing. We don’t have to. And once I identified the catalyst of my son’s disdain for the fun event I didn’t do nothing. I called the dadible.

Step three: don’t do nothing. Unless nothing is the thing you’re supposed to do to make it better. But that’s rare.

I bought Ethan a new bike. That’s right. I went to Walmart, found a shiny new Spider-Man bicycle, and took it to him at the school event. It wasn’t in the budget for this month. I’m sorry Dave. But I did it anyways.

Ethan had a blast. And you know what? He did well. He took right to it. He rode that bike. He forgot all about the possible pain he had feared all week. He was too excited about the new and the opportunity.

Don’t fear what’s not there yet. Don’t make a hotrod out of a hot wheel. And don’t avoid the small stuff that feels like big stuff, or the big stuff that is actually big stuff.

Face your problems like a boy on his bike. Just keep peddling. You got this.

All The Sweeter

Today I learned something amazing. My wife and I are having a baby girl. What?!?! The KingCasa will no longer be solely driven by the testosterone fueled mischief of an all boy abode.

For weeks when someone would ask about Baby #4 I would just say, “I assume we are having a boy until science says otherwise.” Science says girl. And we’re thrilled. Not because we were wanting to add ribbons and bows to the mix. We’re thrilled because this adventurous life just got bigger and better. We would have been happy with any result. But yeah, there is a certain Grandma in the scenario who was really angling for a little princess—as well as two of my closest friends who both have daughters of their own.

Isn’t it just like God to completely surprise you? I’ve always liked good surprises. Suddenly, like we so often do, Jamie and I find ourselves in brand new beautifully-terrifying-territory. I don’t know ANYTHING about girls. I still find it a little bewildering that I found one who likes me enough to stick around.

But the faith life is nothing if not an ever stepping trek into the new and the unknown. One more jaunt up a hill whose pinnacle of hope masks a horizon of promise painted long before the first sunrise made its away across the globe. God knows. He knew it. He made it so.

He hung it there for us to find. He sat it there for us to walk upon in our wild journey into all of the good things he makes ready for the ones he loves. That’s you by the way. It’s me too. What a ride. The joy of this journey of faith is sometimes juxtaposed against a sadness for all the ones I’ve known who never dared to give it a shot. For in faith’s embrace life is made all the sweeter.

Find Your Fit

Have you ever reached for your screwdriver only to discover you’d attached the wrong bit? The right bit matters. The right bit fits. It gets the job done. Big job, small job, it doesn’t matter. If the tool isn’t the right tool the job isn’t getting done.

You matter too. And you fit. You fit somewhere. You were made with something in mind for you. You fit. And if it sounds like I’m calling you a tool—well I guess I am. I’m sorry about that.

You fit. Get to your place. Find your fit. Go where it works for you and where you work. Get to the place where the good stuff God put inside you can be unleashed in order to make everyone around you better. Do it.

If you haven’t found that place yet, that’s ok. Keep looking. Keep working. You will. It’s out there.

You might find that it doesn’t look like you thought it would. But it’s there. And when you discover your fit it’s amazing. Go for it.

Carried In

Today was a pretty special day all around. I got a little older today. For thirty eight years now I’ve been breathing the clean air of the Arkansas River Valley under its bright blue sky.

This morning we started meeting in our new location with our faith family New Life Church. I grabbed this pic of my dad with my youngest son.

There are so many cool things happening here. I don’t think my dad knew I was taking it. This is just him. Loving my son. Carrying him to church.

My dad always carried me to church. I know not everyone’s father does that. Mine did. Sometimes, like when I was little, it was in his arms. But my dad always took me to church. Because his dad always took him to church.

Faith, and love, and family will get us to where we belong. We belong together. We belong in the places and the spaces where we can be loved better than anywhere else.

I wouldn’t pretend to assume that our church is perfect. We make mistakes. We aren’t the best. But we try. We want to love well, live well, and learn how to do it better the next time. I learned that from a dad who always took me to church.

Wear Your Reminder

I woke up this morning, got ready for work, shuttled my little boys to preschool and headed for my office. Just as I was getting into my car I noticed this:

One of my kids had decided to brand me this morning before I woke up. The sneaky little dude.

Old Nathan would have washed it off so I could look professional. After all, I am supposed to teach college students how to speak in a professional environment. This Nathan, the one I am today is leaving it there all day.

I’m not a tattoo guy and I never will be. I have some friends who are tattoo people. They have stories for all of their ink. I have a story for my ink too. The story of my ink is love.

My son loves me. Heck, maybe Jamie did it—but I know she loves me. How do you think we had so many kids?

My son loves daddy and he left me a reminder on my arm that will be there all day long. I might leave it all week. Because love marks us.

When we have been touched by love. By real love. It changes something about us.

Those of us who follow Jesus get really enthusiastic about it sometimes. I think that is fantastic. We should be excited about such big love at work in our lives. We should relish in the way it marks our life. We should never been ashamed, embarrassed, or afraid to show off the artistic beauty of grace to those we find in close proximity.

When I was in high school we all wore these bracelets all the time that said, "WWJD". It was an acronym for a great question: What Would Jesus Do? I think when it started it was meant to remind us to think through our decisions—but, at least for many of the people I knew who wore them, it became more a fashion piece than a guiding principle.

I don't want the mark love leaves on me to be fashionable. I'm not trying to show it off like a shiny new toy. I just want to revel in the truth that love is changing, challenging, and growing me. I think when we're at our best in the love of Christ we don't have to make a huge deal about it because the way we love everyone else in turn makes a huger deal about it. God's love at work in you, and the impact you make in the lives of those you come into daily contact with, is a bigger statement than most of our statements. We don't have to always say it or show it. We can just do it. We can live it.

The breath in our lungs is a reminder of God's grace on us. The gravity that glues us to the ground is like a divine embrace. The hope we can know and feel and live shines on us as sure as a sunrise. Let love be your reminder. Wear that. Share it everywhere you can.

Where You Will Fill Up

I had lunch with my Brad today. Brad is my best friend. We’ve been friends for decades. I love this dude. He’s like a 2nd brother to me. 

As I was leaving, the fuel light in my car came on. So I did what you’re supposed to do when that happens. I pulled into a gas station. When I went to pump some gas there was a problem. I swiped my card and put in the required information—but no gas came out. Nothing. There was a disconnect between the input and the output. I really needed gas. But I couldn’t get any. I got back in my car, went down the road, and got my gas. No problem. No disconnect. The input matched the output. I filled up the tank.

There are so many people who are empty. They pull right up. They. Need. What. You. Have. If you follow Jesus the people who’ve pulled up to you need the light of life living inside you. They need the joy that lights up your every day world to make a life-giving difference in theirs.

We can’t afford to have a disconnect between the output and the input. We can’t put up borders, boundaries, or hurdles. The invitation to Jesus is simple. “Come to me.” That’s what he said.

People will go where they can get full. They will go where someone wants to be there for them. But they don’t want the fake stuff. They don’t want a show. They don’t want religious hurdles. They don’t want rules. They want gas. They want the thing they need that will get them down the road. They want life in all of its explosive awesomeness. 

The thing about gas is there’s no hiding it. It smells. It’s distinct. The moment it enters the scenario it matters. It’s a game changer. 

Go be a game changer for someone. Make a difference. Help them matter and mean it. Don’t fake it. If it’s at your coffee table, your coffee shop, or your church pew. Connect them with the good stuff. Just a little bit matters. But I bet you have more than just a little. 

Three of My Best Decisions This Year

Every day of our lives are full of decisions to make. What to wear. What to eat. What kind of dance to do when your kid uses the potty...Oh, you don’t do that? Ok.

We all have decisions. Some decisions we make. Some decisions make us. The ones we make are sometimes small things that make a big impact. The ones that make us are total game changers. They may not even seem like that big a deal at the time—but.... they. change. everything.

Here are three of the best decisions I’ve made in the last year.

1) I stopped watching TV.

Total honesty here. I still watch TV. Wait, what? Did you just lie to us Nate? No. No. No. Maybe a better way to say it would have been “I stopped being addicted to TV.”

I cut the cable. Literally. I walked out to the side of my house and physically the cut the cable, tore it down, and threw it in the trash.

I worked in an entertainment retail store as a manager a long time ago. I saw dozens of people daily whose lives were consumed by the stuff they liked. Don’t get me wrong here—I still enjoy some entertainment now and then. I love superhero movies. I love college basketball. But I have too many important things to do to let some show run the show.

So I unplugged and checked out. It’s never a priority. I watch it on my time and my schedule if I watch it at all, which is becoming less and less. Guess what? I don't miss it.

2) I decided to be bad at email.

I don’t know about you, but my life is busy. At some point in the past someone somewhere decided that sending electronic mail was an efficient way of doing things—and I guess it is to an extent. But what I discovered in the last couple of years is that I can spend a lot of time looking over the dozens and sometimes hundreds of emails that pour in every day—or I can take a few of them a couple of times a week and try to make a difference.

So I gave myself permission to suck at email. If you email me I might not see it. And I’ve learned to be ok with that. Because honestly if what you have to say is actually urgent or important enough you really need to talk it through with me you can reach me another way.

Kind of liking cutting the cable—I’ve decided to ignore the inbox. That might not work for you. But it works pretty great for me.

3) I resolved to say yes more than no.

I am really good at saying no. It’s a skill I developed over and over and over again throughout my twenties. It seemed like I was getting asked to play music somewhere all the time. Or I’d get asked to do favors for people on a regular basis. I did a lot of it, but nowhere close to all of it. I would just say no.

I realized saying no so much wasn’t always the best reflection of this amazing God I love. What I’ve learned most about Jesus when I read about his incredible love is just how much and how often he said yes.

Jesus said yes to interruptions. He said yes to needs. He said yes to his friends, his family, and perfect strangers.

What would happen in my everyday world if I made it a goal to get to yes? I bet a lot. Stayed tuned, I’m working on this. I’ll let you know how it goes.

These are three simple things I’ve put into practice in the last year of my life. The changes they have brought have been amazing. What are some of the best decisions you’ve made?